“It’s more important to be respected than liked” is a popular adage in organizational leadership, but it’s difficult to put into action, both because leaders, as human beings, do have a natural desire for others’ approval and because some likability and agreeability are necessary–in fact, a requirement–for successful partnership and communication.
Human beings have evolved to seek each other’s approval and cooperation; it’s humanity’s survival strategy, and the fact that leaders often need to stomach the dislike of others to move forward doesn’t immediately change that.
Also, the research suggests that our drive to be liked does pay off. Studies of the prisoner’s dilemma reveal that people with higher IQ tend to take more cooperative approaches to solving problems.
Two Poles to Avoid: Too Likeable and Not Likeable Enough
On the other hand, leaders who go too far, becoming “people pleasers,” may hold back unwelcome information or negative feedback, may not share their gut response or feelings authentically, and may overcommit to partners, colleagues, and clients. Prioritizing the need to be liked can have real costs, which is why the adage “I don’t need you to like me; I need you to respect me” exists.
How can twenty-first-century leaders negotiate between these poles without leaning too far in either direction?
That’s where the perspective of Stanford organizational psychologist Bob Sutton (author of The No Asshole Rule) comes in. Sutton proposes a rule to help leaders determine how best to balance the need for approval with the necessity of rolling forward without it.
Learn the 90-10 Rule
Sutton explained the 90-10 rule during his recent appearance on Adam Grant’s Re: Thinking podcast, where he discussed how to become a “friction-fixer.” Sutton suggests that there is a way for leaders to quantify whether they have found the sweet spot between people pleaser and bully, a way to answer the question, “How do I know when I’ve got it right?”
It doesn’t necessarily involve collecting data (though tools that quantify your supporters and detractors can undoubtedly be helpful); it can simply be about reading the room’s temperature to get an approximate ratio of how much support you have, then using that ratio to gauge your effectiveness.
Sutton explains, “There’s a quote from my late father-in-law that ‘I have a long list of friends and a short list of enemies, and I’m equally proud of both lists.”
In other words, being without enemies indicates that a leader has prioritized pleasing others to a fault. That leader has been slow to take a firm stand, take risks, or has not always shared facts and opinions that are hard for others to hear. They have played it “nice.”
Conversely, if a leader has too many enemies—if too many of their colleagues despise them or despise too many of their colleagues—this is likely a sign that they have been pushing too hard. It may be time to try more cooperative strategies, invite more input from others, and chart a different path forward.
Following his late father-in-law’s advice, Sutton’s objective is to see 90% of people like and approve of him, while 10% are his detractors. Grant suggests that keeping this in mind can also help those who are more inclined toward people-pleasing to be more comfortable taking risks and absorbing the consequences of those risks: “When someone gets upset with you, you can just say, ‘all right, well that’s in the 10 percent for this year.’”
Do Your Temperature Check
Consider the professional contacts and colleagues you work with regularly. How many of them like and approve of you? How many find you rigid, abrasive, full of yourself, or difficult? Sutton’s 90-10 rule isn’t an exact science, and you don’t need to have that same ratio.
However, if your response is far from that ratio, it may be time to re-evaluate whether you are appropriately balancing your need for approval and respect.
Sutton’s rule can help you keep your perspective because it gives you a way of thinking about approval and respect beyond just either/or thinking. As a leader, you don’t want everyone to love you, and you don’t want half your people to think you’re intolerable. You want a 90-10.
